Tainted Read online

  I stormed out of the room and went outside, unable to see straight through my anger. I was mad at Gabe—pissed at him, really—for giving up on himself and having to die alone. I knew, deep down, that he had done something wonderful and pure, but I couldn’t get past his death. He had been my only connection to my mother, to a past I could never understand, and he was gone. I wasn’t about to have some nasty, mean-tempered seraph bad-mouthing Gabe in my own home.

  I trembled as I leaned against my gate, the spring sun shining on my shoulders. I wished I could cry. I needed to release the torment inside my soul—the guilt over Gabe’s death and the anger over him leaving me without warning. He had driven me mad in life, but I had felt him change and known that he was growing as a person, never mind an angel. He deserved the chance to atone, but instead he had died, and I would never know if he had done enough.

  Leah came to stand next to me. “You’re upset.”

  “I have a gobshite living in my house, that’s all.” I sniffed. “What’s up with you?”

  “I want to meet her,” she said. “The girl. I wish there were more people my age around here.”

  “I know.” I sighed.

  “You miss him,” she said softly.

  “Who?”

  She gave me a wry look. “Gabe. Who else?”

  I thought of Eddie. I had turned to him whenever I had a question. He had made some horrible mistakes, but he had done it all for love, and my anger at him had quickly faded.

  I was madder at Gabe than at Eddie, which was beyond fucked up. It was as if whatever grief I’d had over Folsom and Mrs. Yaga and everyone else had mingled into a huge ball and rolled into my guilt over my grandmother and Wesley. They didn’t remember me, and although that was a weight off my shoulders because I had one less burden, I also felt a sense that a piece of me had been ripped away. They didn’t remember me, so my memories of them practically didn’t exist anymore.

  I had already been unstable emotionally, and then Gabe had just… vanished, right before my eyes, burned away until he was nothing. I still had dreams about him, and I knew I was angry because that was all I could deal with, but I couldn’t seem to release any of my emotions.

  “It’s okay to be upset,” she said. “It’s okay.”

  “I know. I do know that. I just can’t…” I shrugged.

  “I know you aren’t going to talk to me about it. I just think it would help to talk to somebody.”

  “I’ll introduce you to Jess properly tomorrow,” I said. “She’s a little antsy, being stuck in the house all day.”

  “Maybe we could go to the children’s home together.”

  I stared at her. “Who told you we were going to do that?”

  “Phoenix. We talked about it.”

  I laughed. “When the hell did you learn to wrap him around your little finger?”

  She smiled. “He’s like you. Protective of everyone. I’m close to Lucia, so he sees me a lot, and I think he feels bad about the last time we visited the children’s home.”

  “Yeah, he wasn’t Mr. Pleasant that night. I’m glad you’re getting along.”

  “He’s coming over later,” she said. “To see the twins. He’s having dinner at Anka’s house.”

  While everyone was in hiding, Val and Leah had stayed with Anka and Dita. I offered to rehome them afterward, but the four of them were more than happy to stay together for a while. Val had people to protect, Anka had someone to watch over her daughter, and the girls got to have a pseudo-sister for the first time in their lives. The situation had worked out better than I expected. And the twins were living in a different home, but Lucia and Val were in some kind of relationship, so the two households spent a lot of time together.

  “You gonna come over?” Leah asked, jolting me out of my reverie.

  “Oh,” I said. “Nah. It’s a family thing. I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

  “We’re all family,” she said. “And Phoenix is more relaxed when you’re there. He’s always nervous of saying the wrong thing to Lorcan and making him mad. He knows you would slap Lorcan upside the head if he acted like, well, Lorcan.”

  I tried not to laugh. Lorcan had come a long way with his father, but he couldn’t help letting out snide remarks every now and then. “I’m not getting in the way of family time.”

  “Stop being weird,” she said. “You know you’re family. You brought them together. And we don’t see you as often anymore.”

  “Good,” I said. “That means the world is safe for a while.”

  “For a while. So why not enjoy it?”

  I shrugged. “Just busy with the noobs.”

  “If you say so. Anyway, Anka asked me to invite you over tonight for dinner.”

  “I think it’s better if I don’t show. We’ll end up talking about anything other than family, and it’ll get weird. Besides, I shouldn’t leave Jess and Adam alone.”

  “Are you avoiding Phoenix?”

  I laughed scornfully. “Why would I avoid him?”

  “I heard things got a little… touchy when the Council caught you breaking out Aiden that time.”

  I shivered at the memory of Phoenix’s lightning whip from hell. Touchy was an understatement for the pain I had experienced at Phoenix’s hands. He had sworn to me that he had been putting on a show for his mother, whom he later killed, but I would always remember exactly what he was capable of. However, that wasn’t why I tried to avoid him.

  Chapter Eight

  I wasn’t surprised when I heard a soft knock at my front door later that night. When I answered, Phoenix was standing on my porch, fidgeting with his watch.

  I turned without a word and headed into the kitchen. I heard the front door close and sensed him following me. The fae might have gained some purpose of late, but he was often unsettled and restless. He remained silent, hovering in the doorway, while I made a pot of coffee. I had bought larger cups just for his random visits. He rarely said what he wanted, but he always seemed to end up at my house, and for some reason, it didn’t bother me all that much. I was only truly rattled around him in the presence of other company.

  When the drinks were ready, I led him out into the back garden. We sat on crappy garden chairs and sipped coffee in the darkness, a full moon the only light. A sharp breeze nipped at my skin, but the hot drink held the chill at bay.

  “You didn’t come to dinner,” he said.

  I sank lower into my seat. “It was a family thing.”

  “They consider you family.”

  I looked at him. “It’s good for you to spend time alone with them.”

  “They’re not completely comfortable with me. When you’re there, Lorcan is on his best behaviour, which makes Lucia worry less about the atmosphere.”

  “I’m not completely comfortable with you, either, but here we are.”

  He caught my eye and smiled. “This is not uncomfortable.”

  I sipped my coffee, deciding not to answer.

  “How is the girl?” he asked. “And her father?”

  “They seem okay. Not talking much. A bit like you really.”

  To my surprise, he laughed. “I speak when I have something to say. I don’t require constant noise.”

  “I’ve noticed. How are the werewolves settling in at their new place?”

  Phoenix had taken his mother’s land and given it to the werewolves so they could have space and privacy. So far, there had been nothing in the newspapers about their location.

  “They split up into small packs.” He hesitated. “There hasn’t been any trouble.” But something about his tone belied the words.

  “So who are the paragons?”

  He jerked a little then let out a heavy sigh. “Who told you about the paragons?”

  “Well, it wasn’t you, so I’m guessing it’s important if it was a secret.”

  “It’s not a secret. It’s… complicated.”

  “Am I too stupid to understand?”

  He gave me a wry look. “It’s safer
for you to be out of the way of this one.”

  I frowned. “I don’t appreciate being told what to do.”

  “I’ve noticed,” he said.

  “If I’m at risk, then I have a right to know.”

  “This isn’t something that needs to be discussed with every person here.”

  “And that is supposed to mean what, exactly?”

  “You have a tendency to… share. Everything. With everyone you like.”

  I frowned. “That’s why they trust me. I don’t keep… many secrets.”

  His eyebrows rose. “Such as the truth about the neutrality surrounding this place?”

  I held his gaze.

  He looked away first. “The paragons are a higher power. They are above the various designated governments, councils, and committees around the world. And one of these paragons has arrived in Ireland after hearing about the werewolves. He’s taking his time to get to the point, but he likely wants to know why werewolves still exist.”

  “They saved us,” I said heatedly. “And where were these paragons when the formula was being passed around and screwing up everything?”

  “Taking their time,” he said. “I feel confident I can appease them about the werewolves as long as there aren’t any incidents, but I am concerned they will look to you and this child you’re protecting. One tainted nephal is risk enough in some eyes. But two?” He shook his head.

  “Is that what Daimhín meant about leverage?”

  “Yes. If they turn their eyes to you, the fact Seth is here could help.” He shrugged. “Or hinder if Seth causes enough trouble. For now, the paragon is watching. We have time to figure out our options.”

  “What’ll happen if the paragon decides the werewolves are more trouble than they’re worth?”

  “They’ll sentence the werewolves to extinction,” he said softly, and I knew the same could apply to Jess and me. “Perhaps you and the girl could stay in the sanctuary. It’s safe since ownership came back to me.”

  “Thanks. But we’ll hold out here.” There was no way I was giving up my home.

  “I’m living there now,” he said, “in the house next to the sanctuary. I could watch over you both.”

  I didn’t want to flat-out refuse him. “If it comes to that, we’ll see. But for now, I’m staying put.”

  “The paragon isn’t an issue.” The unspoken “yet” echoed in the air. He shifted in his seat. “Seth might be the real concern, but I’m worried about the hooded assassins. They disbanded and came back together under Reuben. What’s to stop them from doing the same under Seth, an even more powerful vampire? Technically, he’s not truly a vampire. He’s an original and singular creation who sired an entire race. That makes him their god, in a way.”

  I made an attempt at an unconcerned grin. “What, are you afraid the faith of a bunch of vampires will make him invincible?”

  “I’m more worried about the Irish vampires turning against Daimhín and the Senate. Or Seth creating more beasts.”

  “That’s why he has to die.” I gripped my cup tighter. “It’s the best outcome for everyone.”

  He looked at my face. “So you’re hunting him then?”

  I bit on my lip, anxiously waiting for him to see right through me and into my soul. “If he comes here and attacks, I’ll fight back.”

  Phoenix narrowed his eyes. “You would wait for him to come, looking over your shoulder while he bides his time? My children live here, remember, and I won’t stand by and let you—”

  “If he comes, I’ll deal with him. I promise you that the twins needn’t get involved.”

  “You’re involved. That drags the rest of your world into it. You know as well as I do that Lorcan will fight your battles, and if Seth attacks unexpectedly because—”

  “I don’t have a choice.”

  “If harm comes to my children, any friendship between us will end.”

  “I’m not going to put them in danger, but I’m not hunting Seth down. This is the way it is.”

  He slapped his leg. “And you won’t tell me why it’s the way it is. Ava, I—”

  I rose to my feet and headed toward the house.

  Phoenix caught hold of my arm as I reached the back door. “I know you’ve made some kind of deal. But if you talk to me, I can help you.”

  “You can’t,” I whispered. “I can’t tell, and you can’t help me.”

  He closed the space between us, crowding me. I caught his scent and inhaled sharply. I was confused and overwhelmed and—

  “Ava,” he whispered. He put his fingers beneath my chin and tilted my head, making me look up at him. “Are you forbidden from telling me?”

  “Yes,” I said firmly, able to meet his eyes with the truth.

  “Then I won’t ask again.”

  He fell silent, but he didn’t move. I held my breath. On some level, I was absolutely terrified of Phoenix. I still dreamt of the pain I had suffered at his hands when he’d basically been a double agent. His fingers tightened on my chin, and I knew I had let a flicker of fear show.

  “Don’t do that. I would never—”

  “Stop,” I blurted. “I can’t—”

  He eased back a little, but his hands moved to my shoulders and pinned me in place. I squirmed, panicking in case he could somehow glean the truth from my face.

  “You haven’t asked Lucia to look for Seth,” he said. “Why not?”

  “I don’t want to force her visions.”

  “She wants to help you. I’ll ask her myself.”

  “Phoenix, no. It was overwhelming for her when she suddenly began to see her visions again.” I barely stopped myself from saying it was after his mother’s death. “Seth isn’t something she needs to take on.”

  “She’s stronger than you think.”

  “I know she’s strong, but—”

  “She hasn’t seen anything. Not yet. She’ll let us know as soon as she does.”

  “I can’t ask her to—”

  “You haven’t.”

  I shoved at him. “Let me finish a sentence, Phoenix!”

  To my surprise, he smiled. I wrapped my arms around my waist, trying not to shiver.

  “Why are you scared of me?” he asked. “You know why I—”

  “I’m not!”

  “Now who is interrupting?” He grinned, a broad, contented smile that I would never have expected from him. He took my hand. “Sit with me a while.”

  He led me back to the chairs and didn’t drop my hand. His was warm and large, and I felt comforted by the contact. We were both a little empty, maybe even lonely, and that pushed us together sometimes.

  “How have you been?” I tried to relax, but it was ridiculously hard when I was basically holding hands with a fae prince. And that sounded so crazy in my head that I wanted to laugh.

  “Strange,” he said. “There’s been so much to do that I haven’t had time to process it all. It’s on nights like this…” With a sigh, he leaned back and stared up at the moon.

  I watched his profile, confused by this side of him. “Sorry,” I whispered. He had killed his mother then been thrust into responsibility. Coupled with building relationships with the children he couldn’t remember having, his current life had to be tough.

  His fingers tightened on mine. “I get frustrated sometimes, trying to remember things that don’t exist.”

  “Do you think about her? Helena, I mean.”

  He frowned. “I only have the twins’ memories of my wife. I see a stranger through their memories. I never see what it is that made me fall so hard in love that I left my heritage behind just to be with her. It’s just… missing.”

  “I feel like a piece of me is missing sometimes,” I whispered. “Isn’t that weird?”

  “Because… they don’t remember you? Do you think that’s how my… wife felt?”

  I pulled my hand from his grip. The memory of what I had done to free my grandmother and my ex made me uncomfortable. “Helena didn’t know what happened to you
.”

  “But she lost her children. That must have made her feel empty.”

  I thought of Emmett and Peter and the way I had felt when they left. “Yeah. That almost destroyed her. She had a purpose, though. Searching for her family kept her from falling apart. She was good to me. She made my life so much better. I can see why you loved her.”

  “What age were you when you knew her?”

  “In my early teens, I think. She was old to me, even then.”

  “Old,” he mused. “Human old. And I would have watched her die. I would have always outlived her by lifetimes. How was that something I could be comfortable with?”

  “I think that if you really love someone, then everything else doesn’t matter. You still love who they are, no matter what they look like. You knew she was human, so when you were together, it didn’t matter to you. You were willing to take one lifetime with her, even though you would be left behind. You obviously thought she was worth it.”

  “But who was she?” He sounded frustrated.

  “She was kind and caring, selfless, really. And she changed my entire life. She got through to my grandmother and made the worst of it all stop. I mean, you saw Nancy’s memories of me, how she saw me. Helena made her see me in a different light. And then I met Wes, and he helped, too.” I cleared my throat. “Life is weird.” I squirmed a little. “You could… see Helena through my memories. If you wanted. It might help, and I think I owe you that much.”

  “Thank you,” he said. “I’ll think about it.”

  Hoping to defuse the tension by changing the subject, I asked, “What do you do when you’re not working? Or here?” I smiled.

  He grinned back at me. “I read. Learn. Try to remember, or at least, catch up on what I’ve missed. I visit the werewolves and just… sit with them. I train sometimes.”

  “You could do that here if you wanted.” I sat up. “You could help me train Jess. You and Lorcan could spend time together training her even. Her dad’s convinced she has to fight Seth herself.” I shook my head. “Some stupid deal. But we could at least prepare her.”

  “She doesn’t trust me.”

  “Nobody trusts you at first,” I teased. “But we got over it. So will she.”

  “Does that mean you trust me?” His voice had become serious. When I looked at him, his expression was naked, youthful and vulnerable.